I have had several comments made in response to the post on my emotional break down due to my ever increasing weight.  (See:  May 31, 2007, Weighing in… update).  First of all I want thank everyone for their concern and support.  Your words of encouragement really mean a lot to me.  Secondly, I just want you to know that I was not seeking attention or sympathy when I wrote the post.  Writing the post served as a cathartic experience and helped me deal with the demon that plagued me… at least for the most part.  This is not to say that I am over my weight issue, but for the most part I am trying to be positive about it knowing that I have done my best trying to control the weight gain.  It also helps a tad bit that every now and then my husband mentions how much better I look this pregnancy compared to my previous two.  Which makes me wonder, “How big of a whale did I look like when I was pregnant with Aidan and Mark?”  There goes that blasted demon again… let’s not even go there.

Anyways, for those of you who are interested, here is an update on my pregnancy so far.  At 32 weeks I had an ultrasound to check on the length of my cervix.  Turns out my cervix has softened.  For those of you unfamiliar with the pregnancy mumble jumble, a softened cervix is the beginning stage of labor.  I believe it also called effacing.  After that comes dilation and contractions, and then the great pushing, and finally the baby.  Although I have not been put on bed rest, I have been told to take it easy.  This means no more working out for me.  🙁  I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I can’t work out especially in the face of my ballooning weight, but like I said earlier, I’m trying to stay positive about this.  Damn that demon!  Who cares if I gain 40 lbs and look like I swallowed the whole whale, at least my baby will be healthy, and most importantly, not premature.  🙂   

I will be 34 weeks tomorrow (Sunday, July 29, 2007), which means I only have two more weeks to go before the baby is considered full term and we are in the clear.  Yay!  I can’t wait to see my baby girl.  I already believe that she will have my nose.  Oh, I’m so excited.

PS:  At the last ultrasound, we found out that the baby weighed 4 lbs 2 oz.

I had an emotional break down yesterday.  The reason… my weight, as usual!

I started my progesterone shots three weeks ago.  Knowing that these shots will make me gain weight that is additional to what I gain with being pregnant, I increased my workouts from 3 days a week to 5-6 days a week, between 20-40 minutes a session, making sure I burned between 250-500 calories each session.  There are days when I am just so exhausted all I want to do is go to sleep, but I still drag my weary body to the elliptical and work out.  Sadly, all this exercising has done nothing to lessen the weight gain.  Hence the breakdown.  In the last two weeks I have gained five pounds and I am miserable.

Granted, the first week I got my progesterone shot, I indulged myself in a huge slab of Tiramisu during the course of that week (hey, I am pregnant) which could explain some of the two pounds I gained that week, but since then I have tried to be on good eating behavior, limiting my sugar intake and trying to eat less.  So my only explanation for gaining the three pounds this week is that it has something to do with the progesterone shot.

How can I be so sure that it is the progesterone shot making me gain all the additional weight you ask?  Well, I weighed myself on Wednesday to give the nurse that administers my shots an accurate measurement (the nurse comes to my house to give me the shot).  I also weigh myself (I know I’m obsessed) on Sundays for my own weight tracking chart.  It is within those four days that my weight jumped three pounds.  I know that I am supposed to gain weight when I am pregnant, but for all the activity I do, I should be gaining the normal one pound a week, not three!  So yes, I do blame the progesterone for my excessive weight gain.

Hence the reason for my breakdown yesterday.  It just seems that no matter what I try to do to control my weight gain, it’s not working.  It is out of my hands.  I am just going to gain weight incontrollable, no matter how much I exercise and/or cut my food intake.  🙁   Another reason for my misery, William predicted that I am going to gain 40 pounds this pregnancy.  Looking at the way I am gaining weight, he is going to be right.  My desire to prove him wrong was one of my motivations to keep my weight gain low, but now that I have no control on my weight gain, all my hopes to not gain 40 lbs+ has been thrown out the window, because I know that it’s not going to happen.

Additionally, these shots have me on an emotional roller coaster.  Everything gets to me.  It’s horrible.  I find myself depressed for reasons I cannot explain, and the kids have been a major source for my annoyance.  I mean, I yell at them for everything, when before I used to just let some things pass because it was not worth yelling about.  For example, a couple of days ago, I was yelling at Aidan for not finishing his yogurt.  Come on, how stupid was that.  But like my weight, I cannot seem to control my anger.

Your next question is, why don’t I just stop doing the shots?  My answer, I don’t want to.  All I have to do is remember Aidan’s birth and there is no way in hell I will risk having another premature baby.  Aidan was born at 33 weeks.  I didn’t even get a chance to hold him when he was born.  Instead he was whisked away to NICU.  When I finally got a chance to see him for the first time, he had wires all over him and he was hooked up to all sorts of weird machines.  For a first time mom seeing her newborn in such a position, it was heartbreaking.  I just stood by his crib crying, afraid to hold him due to fear that he might break.  Granted he came out of it okay and now is a three year old monster, but there is no way that I ever want to go through that again.

Aidan’s First Day

So I will bear the painful shots that leave my butt sore for days, the crazy, uncontrollable weight gain, and the mood swings.  And my husband will have to learn to deal with and be supportive of my weekly meltdowns.  And you my dear reader (assuming I have any), will have to put up with reading additionally postings of me complaining about my weight.  All this torture just so that I can have a full- term, healthy baby girl… and it will be worth it in the end!  At least that is what I tell myself to prevent another full blown crying session.  *SIGH*  And yes, I will keep working out, with the hope that once the baby is born, all this weight will be just a little bit easier to lose.  *DOUBLE SIGH*

Ugh!  Forget the nausea, the constipation, the fatigue, etc, the worse part about being pregnant is the constant weight gain that does not stop until after the baby is born.  I always cringe at the doctor’s office as the nurse moves the weight on the scale higher and higher.  Definitely not fun!  My petite frame does not handle this weight gain with the greatest of dignity.  After I’ve put on a couple of pounds, I look like I have swallowed a baby hippo or maybe a baby whale.

At my last visit to the doctor, the midwife cheerfully mentioned how most women tend to look bigger earlier with each subsequent pregnancy.  Great!  On a more positive note, I have been doing much better with my weight this time around.  Although I still look like I have swallowed the baby whale, I can happily say that at eighteen weeks, I am eight pounds lighter than when I was at the same stage of pregnancy with Mark (I didn’t keep a weekly record of my weight when I was pregnant with Aidan… silly me).  Other than the tub of ice cream I had last night and half a loaf of french bread slathered with butter that I had this morning, for the most part I have been good with not giving into my carbs and sugar cravings.  At least I am trying to be good.

At my first visit, the doctor recommended that I keep my weight gain within 25-35 lbs.  I just laughed at him.  After gaining 50+ lbs when I was pregnant with Mark, would I really be able to keep my weight gain under 35 lbs.  It has now become my goal is to do exactly that… I am trying my best not to gain more than 35 lbs.  More importantly, I aim to prove my husband, who so “tactfully” commented that I will end up gaining at least 40 lbs this pregnancy, wrong!  Of course, this is easier said than done, considering the doctor will have me start using progesterone soon. 

*Aside:  Because Aidan was born early, I am considered a high risk pregnancy.  According to the doctor, using progesterone has been shown to decrease the chances of having a premature baby by at least 50%.  On the flip side, progesterone cause one to gain weight… a lot of weight.  Just what I need right now!*

Anyway, time will tell how well I manage my weight with this pregnancy and if I achieve my goal.  With 22 weeks to go, stay tuned for the continuing saga that is my weight.  And, if I do meet my goal, I am going to celebrate with a huge piece of chocolate cake smothered in ice cream.  😀