January 02, 2007 was the date.
I was driving home from the gym when, on a lark, I decided to stop by Target and purchase the generic, three dollar test. Thinking back now, I should have known what was coming. At that time I was having irregular periods because I was still nursing Mark. Basically, instead of getting it once a month, I was getting it every two weeks, for the last couple of months and then I didn’t see any sign of it in December. I really didn’t think much of it because I thought my body was adjusting to me weaning Mark. Boy was I wrong. My jaw dropped when I saw the results of the test and then my mind started racing as to how this was possible.
I ran to William, who until then did not know I was taking the test, and frantically asked, “Please tell me this is wrong?” At first he looked at me like I was out of mind until he realized what the stick in my hand was. Then he looked at it and I think he was shocked too. William has never doubted these tests. To him if it shows a positive then it is a positive. This was the first time he had his doubts. He ran out to Walgreens and bought another test – one that said “Yes” or “No.” Then he watched and waited as I took the test. Btw, this was the first time he was present and aware of me taking a test (previous babies I took the test and then informed him about it and the results). I was nervous. The result was a resounding “Yes.”
I started crying. William didn’t say anything for a while. Then he tried to figure out how it could have happened. I kept crying. Through my tears William and I discussed what our options were. I didn’t want to have another baby for a number of reasons.
1. In my mind Mark was going to be the last of it for the next five or so years.
2. I had spent so much money, time, tears, and effort to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight after gaining over 50+ lbs with Mark. I did not want to go through that again.
3. Most importantly, after much fighting with the Arizona Department of Education, I had finally gotten my teacher certification and I was excited about the prospect of joining the working world and becoming a teacher.
Having another baby was not in any of my short term plans. Having another baby meant putting a halt to my plan and figuring out an alternative. I didn’t want to do any of that. I didn’t want to have another baby.
I cried for days. William and I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. It was still early. Not even four weeks (the ultrasound barely registered a dot). Doctor said I had options. I will admit it, I contemplated my options. In the end I could not do it. I could never do it. I would never do it! And so I resigned myself to my fate.
As the days rolled by I started to realize how blessed I was. I know people who can’t get pregnant or have a really hard time conceiving. Thankfully I am not one of those people. The turning point of the pregnancy came when I had the 20 week ultrasound. After years of hoping for a girl and envying those who had I was finally getting my own. I even went as far as telling William before the ultrasound that if we weren’t having a girl he was totally incompetent. You can imagine his relief after the ultrasound.
I started getting anxious as we hit the 36 week mark. I was ready to be done with the pregnancy. I was the size of a whale trying to keep cool in 110+ degrees Fahrenheit weather. My midwife didn’t help matters by telling me that she was going to be my largest baby I had. I freaked out! In my head I thought I was going to have to push out an 8 lb baby. I know that having an 8 lb isn’t bad at all — that is the average size of a baby — but at that time Mark, at 6 lbs 7 oz, was the biggest baby I had and I couldn’t fathom the idea of an 8 lb baby or greater coming out of me. Of course my fears were unfounded so I’ll just blame them on the pregnancy hormones.
Then it happened. On a hot Labor Day morning a year, one month, and six days ago Caitlin was born. It was love at first sight for me. I finally had my very own baby doll to play dress up with. And even though I thought she was the cutest thing I also thought that she looked a lot like the Travelocity Gnome with her flushed red cheeks, pointy head, and squinty eyes. Thank goodness she has grown out of that look.
Caitlin is now 13 months old and she’s such a joy. She loves hanging out with her brothers. It’s fun to watch her try to keep up with them. Her “Xena” warrior cry strikes fear in me because I know she is up to trouble, but I love hearing it because I know it comes when she is proud of her accomplishment. Her latest achievement: climbing up onto the dining table. Even though I have so much pride in all of my kids, I am the proudest of Caitlin. I watched her in amazement as she tackled every milestone and reveled in every moment of her glory. She has squelched every worry that I had of her adjusting to our new life with me being a working mom. She took every change in stride and adapted beautifully to it — no complaints, no tears, just an excited squeal of delight every time she sees me.
Her conception may have come as an unwanted surprise to me but every night I put Caitlin down to sleep I am extremely grateful to the blessing that is my baby girl.
I leave you with pictures from Caitlin’s First Birthday.
