Category Archives: Daycare

Plumb – In My Arms

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I’m going to apologize in advance… this post is just a rambling of random thoughts.

I was having one of my weekly mini meltdowns today with regards to putting Caitilin in daycare.  Doesn’t help that I was reading about how babies will suffer from separation anxiety from the age of 8 months up to 18 months.  It also doesn’t help that she is already showing signs of it.  She gets upsets if I were to leave her in a room to play by herself.  She just breaks down and starts sobbing so bad you think she hurt herself.  My heart breaks every time I think of our impending fate and I don’t know how I am going to handle it.

Caitlin did the sweetest thing today. I was on the floor applying lotion on Mark,  She came over, pulled herself up, and laid her little head on my shoulder.  There she stood for a while, supporting herself on my chest, happy to be next to her mom.  My heart melted.  She is my little princess and all I want to do is protect her and keep her safe for as long as I can.

On my way home from the grocery store today, I heard the song “In My Arms” by Plumb.  It immediately made me think of my kids.  I also thought about how mothers try so hard to protect their babies, no matter how hard it may be.  I love the song… the lyrics are so powerful.  You can check out her MySpace page to listen to it; let me know what you think.  Did I mention that I love this song?  It’s become my new favorite song.  Anyway, here are the lyrics to it.

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In My Arms
~Plump

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que’s
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You’ll someday see
The truth for lies

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Hey I
Hey I
Will love

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
In my arms

Sliver of light in the darkness

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I’ve been out of sorts lately… just feeling completely miserable.  It’s gotten so bad that I actually hid in the closet today so that I could cry my heart out in peace.  Several reasons for this…

1.  My stagnant weight loss.  I only have 5 more pounds to lose in order to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but for the past month my weight has remained constant.  I guess I should be happy it is not going up, but it is still a bit disheartening to get on the scale every week (yes, I’m obsessed) and see that there has been no weight loss.  Okay, I know I should be working out if I want to see this weight gone, but give me a break.  I am a mother of not one, not two, but three kids under the age of five.  By the time my husband comes home from work, which is usually late, I am exhausted and all I want to do is crawl into bed.  Besides, I thought breastfeeding would help me burn some of that fat.  Guess I thought wrong.

2.  William and I had a talk about our finances again.  It wasn’t looking too good especially considering I am planning a trip to Canada to attend my cousin’s graduation this summer.  Although William thinks this trip is a luxury, I consider it a necessity.  This is my beloved cousin’s graduation from college.  It is a big deal to me and the rest of my family.  My parents and my sister will be attending the graduation as well.  I have warned William about this trip for over a year and I have told him that there will be no argument about it… I am going to that graduation!  Of course this means we will have to cut back on some of our other plans, i.e. sending Aidan to summer camp, and scaling down Aidan’s fourth birthday celebration.  Sadly, we have decided to have a low key (just within the family) celebration for him and have opted out of renting the bounce house.  I feel horrible since he really enjoyed the bounce house we got for Mark’s birthday and I had promiseed that he could get the bounce house for his birthday.  I’m just hoping that when his birthday comes around he will have forgotten about the bounce house and maybe just enjoy whatever we managed to do for him.  I think he will be okay with it, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling terrible for short changing my little man.

3.  Back to my earlier post.  I am extremely upset about the idea of putting Caitlin in daycare.  This is what causes me the most grief.  Another thing to add to my worry is that Caitlin refuses to drink from a bottle.  She would rather cry for hours than take a bottle.  Last night William made a futile attempt to feed her.  After an hour and a half of trying she had only drunk half an ounce.  It was miserable.  If William had so much trouble feeding her, I don’t know how the care giver at the day care will handle it.  All I keep thinking about is how this woman has five to six other infants to take care of.  She is not going to have the time or the patience to try and feed my baby.  She may even let my baby go to sleep hungry and upset rather than fight with her to eat.  I just can’t handle thinking about this.  Add to all this the image I have in my head of the sad face Caitlin makes just before she starts crying.  That is what I see when I picture dropping Caitlin off at the daycare.  How will I be able to work if that is what she does when I drop her off?  How will I be able to get through my day worrying if she is getting enough to eat?  How will I be able to live with myself if I feel like Caitlin is suffering without me?  So many questions and worries in my head and none of them have an answer or a solution.

Yet if I don’t work I will be back to having the same finance discussion with William, and Aidan and Mark will suffer because we won’t be able to afford to send them to preschool.  Which brings me to the next reason for my misery…

4.  I will have to settle for a teaching position that I may not be happy with.  I really want to teach in a middle school but currently all the openings are for high school.  If I had the luxury of waiting I may get a job that I like.  But, I don’t have that luxury, so I will have to accept whatever offer I get.  Not very promising.

Amidst my tears I read this article in the Arizona Republic about a mother dying of cancer.  It made me realize that even thought I feel like my life isn’t the greatest right now, at least I have my health, my kids who drive me crazy, and a husband who loves me regardless of how fat I am.  This does not mean that I am not going to bitch and moan about putting Caitlin in daycare, but I may learn to deal with it.  I am not going to stop worrying and lamenting about everything I missing out on by having a stranger watch my little girl, but at least at the end of the day my kids still have parents to come home to.  And, even though I may miss out on watching my child while I work, at least I have lifetime to make memories with her, the rest of my kids, and my husband.

Darkness

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There is a dark cloud looming over me.  I’ve been harboring it for months.  Then I read this post.  It echoed the pain in my heart and the rain came down.  It has been silently pouring ever since.

William tells me how excited he is for this coming year mainly because I will start working.  He thinks I will have fun getting out of the house and living a life separate from that of a mother and home maker.  I see red!  The voices in my head scream!  I want to hurt him so he feels my pain but, I know it is futile.  He can never understand the grief of a mother who has to turn her baby over to the care of a stranger.  Sadly it seems like I have no choice in the matter.  People and situation make it necessary that I start working before the end of this year; which means I have to put my baby girl in a daycare.

Finances are only a small part of the issue cause lord knows whatever I make on a teacher’s salary is going to pay for daycare.  What the decision comes down to is whether I sacrifice the girl or the boys.  In this case the boys win.  Basically, if I don’t work then we can’t afford to send the boys to preschool.  Although Aidan had a rough start in preschool he has come so far since then.  I can see the change in him and it is for the better.  Also, he really enjoys going to school.  During the two week winter break he would excitedly talk about school and would ask me if he was “going to school tomorrow” when I put him down at night.  How can I take that joy away from him?  Then there is Mark who has reached the age where he so needs the distraction of preschool.  He is bored at home and I know that school would be good for him.  So, for the sake of my boys, my girl has to be sacrificed… such a steep price to pay.  🙁

It just does not seem fair.  Neither one of my boys went to daycare.  William comments that this may be why they are weird.  I just inform him that those apples didn’t fall far from his tree. 

I just can’t imagine putting Caitlin in daycare.  Granted I may not be the best mother to her given that I have two rambunctious boys to take care of too.  But, I love her like no one else can and, I try my best to make her happy and make sure that she is taken care of to the best of my abilities.  All I can think about is what would become of my baby girl who gives her smiles so freely to the world.  What will happen to her smiles?  Will it be replaced with frowns and tears?  Will she think that her mother has abandoned her?  How will I deal with the guilt of leaving her to the care of strangers?

I know other mothers have been put in my situation and they have managed to survive it.  They are stronger than me.  I just want to know how they do/did it.  Does the pain ever go away or does it just linger in the background like burning embers?

I can’t stop the tears from falling.  I pray for a better solution.  One that affords me to put Aidan and Mark in preschool while at the same time giving me the ability to watch Caitlin at least until she is less dependent on me.  I want her to have just as much time with me as the boys did.  Alas, that may not be the case, but at least one can hope.  Till then I pray for the strength and the courage to do what may be best for my family in the long run.