I’ve been out of sorts lately… just feeling completely miserable. It’s gotten so bad that I actually hid in the closet today so that I could cry my heart out in peace. Several reasons for this…
1. My stagnant weight loss. I only have 5 more pounds to lose in order to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but for the past month my weight has remained constant. I guess I should be happy it is not going up, but it is still a bit disheartening to get on the scale every week (yes, I’m obsessed) and see that there has been no weight loss. Okay, I know I should be working out if I want to see this weight gone, but give me a break. I am a mother of not one, not two, but three kids under the age of five. By the time my husband comes home from work, which is usually late, I am exhausted and all I want to do is crawl into bed. Besides, I thought breastfeeding would help me burn some of that fat. Guess I thought wrong.
2. William and I had a talk about our finances again. It wasn’t looking too good especially considering I am planning a trip to Canada to attend my cousin’s graduation this summer. Although William thinks this trip is a luxury, I consider it a necessity. This is my beloved cousin’s graduation from college. It is a big deal to me and the rest of my family. My parents and my sister will be attending the graduation as well. I have warned William about this trip for over a year and I have told him that there will be no argument about it… I am going to that graduation! Of course this means we will have to cut back on some of our other plans, i.e. sending Aidan to summer camp, and scaling down Aidan’s fourth birthday celebration. Sadly, we have decided to have a low key (just within the family) celebration for him and have opted out of renting the bounce house. I feel horrible since he really enjoyed the bounce house we got for Mark’s birthday and I had promiseed that he could get the bounce house for his birthday. I’m just hoping that when his birthday comes around he will have forgotten about the bounce house and maybe just enjoy whatever we managed to do for him. I think he will be okay with it, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling terrible for short changing my little man.
3. Back to my earlier post. I am extremely upset about the idea of putting Caitlin in daycare. This is what causes me the most grief. Another thing to add to my worry is that Caitlin refuses to drink from a bottle. She would rather cry for hours than take a bottle. Last night William made a futile attempt to feed her. After an hour and a half of trying she had only drunk half an ounce. It was miserable. If William had so much trouble feeding her, I don’t know how the care giver at the day care will handle it. All I keep thinking about is how this woman has five to six other infants to take care of. She is not going to have the time or the patience to try and feed my baby. She may even let my baby go to sleep hungry and upset rather than fight with her to eat. I just can’t handle thinking about this. Add to all this the image I have in my head of the sad face Caitlin makes just before she starts crying. That is what I see when I picture dropping Caitlin off at the daycare. How will I be able to work if that is what she does when I drop her off? How will I be able to get through my day worrying if she is getting enough to eat? How will I be able to live with myself if I feel like Caitlin is suffering without me? So many questions and worries in my head and none of them have an answer or a solution.
Yet if I don’t work I will be back to having the same finance discussion with William, and Aidan and Mark will suffer because we won’t be able to afford to send them to preschool. Which brings me to the next reason for my misery…
4. I will have to settle for a teaching position that I may not be happy with. I really want to teach in a middle school but currently all the openings are for high school. If I had the luxury of waiting I may get a job that I like. But, I don’t have that luxury, so I will have to accept whatever offer I get. Not very promising.
Amidst my tears I read this article in the Arizona Republic about a mother dying of cancer. It made me realize that even thought I feel like my life isn’t the greatest right now, at least I have my health, my kids who drive me crazy, and a husband who loves me regardless of how fat I am. This does not mean that I am not going to bitch and moan about putting Caitlin in daycare, but I may learn to deal with it. I am not going to stop worrying and lamenting about everything I missing out on by having a stranger watch my little girl, but at least at the end of the day my kids still have parents to come home to. And, even though I may miss out on watching my child while I work, at least I have lifetime to make memories with her, the rest of my kids, and my husband.