There is a dark cloud looming over me.  I’ve been harboring it for months.  Then I read this post.  It echoed the pain in my heart and the rain came down.  It has been silently pouring ever since.

William tells me how excited he is for this coming year mainly because I will start working.  He thinks I will have fun getting out of the house and living a life separate from that of a mother and home maker.  I see red!  The voices in my head scream!  I want to hurt him so he feels my pain but, I know it is futile.  He can never understand the grief of a mother who has to turn her baby over to the care of a stranger.  Sadly it seems like I have no choice in the matter.  People and situation make it necessary that I start working before the end of this year; which means I have to put my baby girl in a daycare.

Finances are only a small part of the issue cause lord knows whatever I make on a teacher’s salary is going to pay for daycare.  What the decision comes down to is whether I sacrifice the girl or the boys.  In this case the boys win.  Basically, if I don’t work then we can’t afford to send the boys to preschool.  Although Aidan had a rough start in preschool he has come so far since then.  I can see the change in him and it is for the better.  Also, he really enjoys going to school.  During the two week winter break he would excitedly talk about school and would ask me if he was “going to school tomorrow” when I put him down at night.  How can I take that joy away from him?  Then there is Mark who has reached the age where he so needs the distraction of preschool.  He is bored at home and I know that school would be good for him.  So, for the sake of my boys, my girl has to be sacrificed… such a steep price to pay.  🙁

It just does not seem fair.  Neither one of my boys went to daycare.  William comments that this may be why they are weird.  I just inform him that those apples didn’t fall far from his tree. 

I just can’t imagine putting Caitlin in daycare.  Granted I may not be the best mother to her given that I have two rambunctious boys to take care of too.  But, I love her like no one else can and, I try my best to make her happy and make sure that she is taken care of to the best of my abilities.  All I can think about is what would become of my baby girl who gives her smiles so freely to the world.  What will happen to her smiles?  Will it be replaced with frowns and tears?  Will she think that her mother has abandoned her?  How will I deal with the guilt of leaving her to the care of strangers?

I know other mothers have been put in my situation and they have managed to survive it.  They are stronger than me.  I just want to know how they do/did it.  Does the pain ever go away or does it just linger in the background like burning embers?

I can’t stop the tears from falling.  I pray for a better solution.  One that affords me to put Aidan and Mark in preschool while at the same time giving me the ability to watch Caitlin at least until she is less dependent on me.  I want her to have just as much time with me as the boys did.  Alas, that may not be the case, but at least one can hope.  Till then I pray for the strength and the courage to do what may be best for my family in the long run.