Category Archives: The Voices Speak

Darkness

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There is a dark cloud looming over me.  I’ve been harboring it for months.  Then I read this post.  It echoed the pain in my heart and the rain came down.  It has been silently pouring ever since.

William tells me how excited he is for this coming year mainly because I will start working.  He thinks I will have fun getting out of the house and living a life separate from that of a mother and home maker.  I see red!  The voices in my head scream!  I want to hurt him so he feels my pain but, I know it is futile.  He can never understand the grief of a mother who has to turn her baby over to the care of a stranger.  Sadly it seems like I have no choice in the matter.  People and situation make it necessary that I start working before the end of this year; which means I have to put my baby girl in a daycare.

Finances are only a small part of the issue cause lord knows whatever I make on a teacher’s salary is going to pay for daycare.  What the decision comes down to is whether I sacrifice the girl or the boys.  In this case the boys win.  Basically, if I don’t work then we can’t afford to send the boys to preschool.  Although Aidan had a rough start in preschool he has come so far since then.  I can see the change in him and it is for the better.  Also, he really enjoys going to school.  During the two week winter break he would excitedly talk about school and would ask me if he was “going to school tomorrow” when I put him down at night.  How can I take that joy away from him?  Then there is Mark who has reached the age where he so needs the distraction of preschool.  He is bored at home and I know that school would be good for him.  So, for the sake of my boys, my girl has to be sacrificed… such a steep price to pay.  🙁

It just does not seem fair.  Neither one of my boys went to daycare.  William comments that this may be why they are weird.  I just inform him that those apples didn’t fall far from his tree. 

I just can’t imagine putting Caitlin in daycare.  Granted I may not be the best mother to her given that I have two rambunctious boys to take care of too.  But, I love her like no one else can and, I try my best to make her happy and make sure that she is taken care of to the best of my abilities.  All I can think about is what would become of my baby girl who gives her smiles so freely to the world.  What will happen to her smiles?  Will it be replaced with frowns and tears?  Will she think that her mother has abandoned her?  How will I deal with the guilt of leaving her to the care of strangers?

I know other mothers have been put in my situation and they have managed to survive it.  They are stronger than me.  I just want to know how they do/did it.  Does the pain ever go away or does it just linger in the background like burning embers?

I can’t stop the tears from falling.  I pray for a better solution.  One that affords me to put Aidan and Mark in preschool while at the same time giving me the ability to watch Caitlin at least until she is less dependent on me.  I want her to have just as much time with me as the boys did.  Alas, that may not be the case, but at least one can hope.  Till then I pray for the strength and the courage to do what may be best for my family in the long run.

A moment of pride

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Happy 2008; and what a great start I’ve had to the New Year.  I’m so happy I could dance on the roof… at least until William comes home and yells at me for being silly.  The reason for my jubilation – Aidan!

Since his fall from grace I have been asking the teacher if Aidan behaved himself everytime I pick him up from school.  If he has misbehaved then he is grounded from the computer and the T.V. until the next time he behaves in class.  The punishment seems to be working cause Aidan has had fewer and fewer bad days.

Then last Thursday (January 10, 2008) the teacher said to me, “From all of my 60 students, Aidan is the most improved.  I can tell what you have been doing with him at home is working.”  All I can say is YIPPPPEEE!  I left the school beaming and proud of my little boy.

Granted, it would have been great if he started off being one of her best students instead of being the one that needed improvement, but at least he is getting better.  And, that makes me one very proud mom.

Milestone

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On Saturday, December 22, 2007, Caitlin rolled from her back to her tummy (she first rolled from her tummy to her back on November 26, 2007).  She will be four months old on January 03, 2008.

Tag – seven weird/random things you really DON’T need to know about me

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I’ve been tagged by my good friend, Ms. Cute Pants, to list seven weird/random things about me. It’s taken me a while to do this because even though I know there are numerous weird things about me, (1) I currently can’t seem to remember most of them, and (2) I’m not sure if I need people to know about them… and if they do know about it, then I don’t need to know that they know (am I making any sense here).

Ok, so here goes…

(1)  Growing up I wanted to be a secretary. Mostly cause I thought they got all dressed up and looked cute as they went about their business. The fantasy was in the dressing up and looking cute. I have since realized that not all secretaries get dressed up, only those who really want to impress their boss (wink, wink). If I didn’t have my husband and my kids, I might have held on to that fantasy (lol).

(2)  Recently an acquaintance mentioned that I am “as fertile as the Nile.” Interesting! Oddly enough, as a young girl I wanted to have six children. Now that I’m much older and wiser, I think I’m done with three. FYI, my MIL has six kids, all boys, ranging from 29 years of age (my husband) to six years old. She is one strong, brave woman.

(3)  Watching three kids, who range from 3 1/2 years to 3 months old, all day and all night long, has turned my brain to mush. So, when I am in adult company, I pretend to know what I am talking about and that I am smarter than I look. I think people are starting to see through my ruse.

(4)  The sadder part, I trained to be a math teacher but due to the current status of my brain I can’t even add past 1+1.

(5)  I love the smell of my babies’ breath… at least for the first six months of their life.  Smells of milky goodness (have I grossed anyone out yet)!  Once they start eating solid foods it’s not so pleasant.

(6)  When I was in the 9th grade I had an unfortunate accident with a cricket ball that broke off 3/4 of my front tooth.  I now have a crown attached to the reaming 1/4 of my tooth.  It’s pretty noticeable under a black light or when I go clubbing because the rest of my teeth glow blue while the fake tooth stays black.  I look like a retard with missing teeth.  Therefore I try not to smile too much when I go out clubbing.

(7)  I have quite a temper… to the point that when I get mad I want to slam doors, throw and break stuff, and sometimes even hurt people.  I think I inherited my rage from my dad and sadly, I think I have passed it down to Mark.  The good news is that time has taught me how to control this emotion, for the most part.  I hope I will be able to pass what I learned to Mark.

And just for craps and giggles…

(8)  Writing this post has drained what is left of the few brain cells I had.

Like I said earlier, I can’t seem to remember all the weird/random things about me.  Maybe I should consult with my husband.  I’m sure he can name several of my idiosyncrasies off the top of his head but, since I have fulfilled my part of this tag you won’t be reading any of it.  Too bad for you.  🙂

Christmas wish

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Sure I’d love world peace and all that other good stuff… but what I really want for Christmas is some liposuction, a tummy tuck, and maybe a breast lift.

William, I hope you are reading this! 😉

Fight for independence

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There is a war brewing inside my household. The chief instigator – Mark. His enemy – the world! It looks like the “terrible twos” have hit him early.

Poor Mark, he is at that stage where he wants to do everything himself, e.g. dress himself, feed himself, etc. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t fully developed all the skills necessary to do these tasks on his own. Herein lies the problem. Take for example when he tries to put his shorts on. First he has to choose which pair of shorts he wants to wear. Heaven forbid you decide for him. Then he wants to put it on by himself (for this reason I have hidden the button up shorts). I let him do so as I watch on the side lines. Inevitably he ends up with both legs in one hole, gets mad and throws a fit. In comes mommy to try and help and there goes Mark filled with rage, flinging himself on the wall, banging his head on the dresser, and throwing himself on the floor.

You may think I am exaggerating Mark’s actions, but alas I am not. I have come to realize that Mark is a very passionate little boy… so giving with his love but watch out for his anger. I also realize that it is hard for him. As he tries to become independent he keeps running into obstacles that end up infuriating him. I know his frustration is a normal part of growing up, but Mark takes his aggravation to the extreme.

The frustration with dressing himself is only one part of the battle that I have to deal with. Mark has also developed the “mine” attitude. Everything now belongs to him, everything has to be done his way, and he wants what he wants when he wants it. Heaven help you if you try to prove him wrong. Besides throwing his tantrums and screaming at the top of his lungs, he will also attack you! He will charge at you with fists balled up and he will punch you. Sometimes I find it humorous to see this tiny, little person trying to make sure you know he is mad, but most times it is annoying.

I was discussing Mark’s behavior with William recently and mentioning how I can’t remember Aidan being so bad. William laughed and called me crazy. He then proceeded to remind me how Aidan was constantly put in time-out because he would scream and act up for the no reason. It got so bad with Aidan that we tried not to go out with him too often because we did not want to deal with his tantrums in public.

I guess I must have conveniently blacked out memories of Aidan’s terrible twos… perhaps to help me deal with round two. Those memories are coming back though. Now whenever Mark goes berserk I have flashbacks of Aidan doing the same thing or something similar.

Thankfully Aidan is almost past the terrible twos stage (every now and then he regresses) and in two years Mark will be coming out of it. The bad new, Caitlin will be starting her terrible twos. Seems like there is no rest for this weary traveler.

Four years from now, if I’ve made it thorough this war with some semblance of my sanity then I believe I deserve an award for surviving six straight years of the terrible twos. Till then, pray for me.

She is a princess!

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Aidan (looking at Caitlin):  She’s a girl.
Mom: Yes, she is a girl.  Aidan are you a girl?
Aidan:  No, I’m a boy.
Mom:  Yes, you are a boy.  Is Caitlin a boy?
Aidan:  No, she’s a princess.
Mom:  😀

Caitlin and Aidan
Click on image to view larger picture

A moment in time

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I often crawl into bed wondering how I managed to survive the day.  I often wake up praying for the strength and patience to manage another day.  Then there are moments that make all the frustrations and annoyances of my days so worth it.

My favorite moment in time is sitting in the recliner (“daddy’s chair” as the Aidan calls it) nursing Caitlin, listening to the boys laughing and playing with their father.  I close my eyes savoring every minute of it… the warmth of Caitlin’s body next to mine, the pure joy in the children’s laughter, and the sounds of enjoyment coming from William as he chase them for tickles.   So short lived are these moments.  Before I know it Caitlin won’t be nursing anymore and the boys will be too old for tickles.  At least I’ll always have my memories of these cherished moments in time.

Life’s little joys are the most precious to me.

Of course, a moment of peace and quiet is treasured as well.  It’s extremely treasured.  😀